Humorous look at how to spot an illegal alien

Much advice is floating around about how local police will be able to spot an illegal alien in Arizona in compliance with SB 1070 without committing the act of racial profiling.

The following is a tongue-in-cheek approach to this issue:

Spot them at the actual border when they cross illegally:

The best way to spot an illegal alien without being accused of racial profiling is to catch the illegal alien right when he or she crosses the border outside of the port of entry areas. Spotting the illegal aliens right as they cross the border eliminates all risk of mistaken identity.

This approach, however, seems the least likely to be utilized in Arizona as the Border Patrol assiduously avoids being anywhere near the border, and the majority of Arizona’s border with Mexico is either on Tohono O’odahm Indian lands, the federal Barry Goldwater Gunnery Range, Coronado National Forest lands, and the federal Organ Pipe National Monument. Thus Arizona’s local cops will not be patrolling the actual border area for the most part.

Look for people headed north  in remote areas carrying back packs and bottles of water:

The typical illegal entrant is carrying a bottle of water and a back pack, and walking north (except when they are lost or delirious from heat stroke) . They are usually in remote areas and doing this at night when ordinary hikers are home asleep, or out in the scorching desert during the day when ordinary hikers have the common sense to stay in the shade.

They also generally travel in groups of as many as 40 people.

Look for poorly dressed people walking north along the roads and other corridors.

Again, the illegal entrants are usually carrying water bottles and back packs, but instead of going cross country through the desert they walk north down roads, pipeline easements, rail road track rights of way, power line easements, and sometimes even down the frontage roads of Interstate 19. There are also major trails in the area such as the Anza Trail along the Santa Cruz River which is frequently used for the northward journey.

This traffic is usually at night. One local resident in Tubac who lives by one of the corridors counted over 1,000 illegal entrants walking by  his place one night.

They are generally distinguishable from local residents walking about as they are poorly dressed.

It has been suggested illegal entrants should wear hiking boots, wear hiking shorts and gimme caps and try and blend in with local residents who are walking about the countryside.

Look for drop off and pick up locations:

The illegal entrants do not walk all the way from the border to Tucson or Phoenix. They cross and then are picked up and transported by vehicle northwards.  They are also dropped off south of the I-19 checkpoint, they walk around the checkpoint, and are picked up again north of the checkpoint.

Local residents are very familiar with these drop off and pickup points as they are  distinguished by giant piles of empoty water bottles and discarded back packs.

Folks waiting by road culverts and other hiding places for their rides are likely to be illegal entrants.

Look for vehicles carrying way too many people.

A popular way to get from the border to urban areas is for coyotes to load up trucks and vans with way too many people. Requiring all trucks, vans and buses to go through a weigh station between the border and Tucson or Phoenix would probably catch a lot of illegal entrants.

Note that all of the above suggestions are based on conduct…which has nothing to do with race or ethnicity.

Urban areas:

Once illegal entrants get into an urban environment it becomes much more difficult to sort them out from city residents in Tucson and Phoenix. That they even get to Tucson (65 miles from the border) or Phoenix (180 miles from the border) demonstrates the utter failure of the Border Patrol to secure the border.

It is likely to be impossible to spot an illegal entrant once they are in Tucson or Phoenix without indulging in racial profiling. This  is why the efforts to stop illegal entry needs to be concentrated close to the border where those of enter without documentation are easier to identify as they will likely be the only people around, except for the few cowboys who will generally be riding horses or driving pickup trucks.

About Hugh Holub

Attorney and writer.
This entry was posted in border issues, humor. Bookmark the permalink.

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