Dust bunnies designated as endangered species

25% OF HOMES DECLARED CRITICAL HABITAT

{satire} WASHINGTON: The common American household Dust Bunny has been designated as a endangered species, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service (USF&WS) announced last week.

“The widespread use of household cleaning products and devices has drastically reduced the habitat of the Dust Bunny,” said Noah Present, Acting Director of the Endangered Species Program. “American homes are cleaned too frequently, and much better than in the past.”

“We are not to blame for the improper use of our products,” responded a spokesperson for the Household Products Association. “Correctly used, many of the Dust Bunnies should survive.”

In addition to designating Dust Bunnies as an endangered species, USF&WS also established critical habitat for the critters.

“Twenty-five percent of every dwelling unit in the country must be left uncleaned,” announced Present.

The Dust Bunny preserves in each home are required to permit the Dust Bunnies the opportunity to breed. The required preserve must include space beneath beds, sofas, and under refrigerators.

“However, if a person feels it would be an undue hardship to leave a quarter of their home uncleaned, we have a Dust Bunny Habitat Protection Program available,” noted Present.

A person seeking to clean their entire home can pay another person to leave more than 25 of their home uncleaned, advised Present.

“This is wonderful,” said Angela Ashes, who promptly signed up to never clean her home in exchange for Dust Bunny Habitat Protection payments. “Now, instead of paying someone to clean my house, I get paid to leave it dirty.”

New home construction would not be affected by the Dust Bunny protection program, so long as each new homebuyer signed a covenant at the time of purchase of their homes to always leave 25 of the home uncleaned. The deed restriction requiring the dirty area could be enforced by the FBI.

USF&WS also plans to reduce the number of cleaning people in the country, to assure the survival of the Dust Bunnies. “We will pay for re-education to less environmentally dangerous jobs such as participant in a Survivor show,” said Present.

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About Hugh Holub

Attorney and writer.
This entry was posted in endangered species act, environment and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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